- [Jets Roaring] - Mm. Hmm. [Clicks Tongue]
- ##[Charles Humming] - No. No.
- Um... - [Indistinct] Move.
[Clicks Tongue] Ahh!
Ah-ha-ha, the infamous Yankakovich gambit.
- Oh, yeah? - Yankakovich perfected the strategy of...
making the most moronic move possible in order to lull his opponent.
[Chuckling] Well, I'm not gonna fall for it.
- [Clears Throat] - Ah.
Perhaps I should have tried the Jesse Owens gambit and run to Berlin.
[Chuckles] For chess lessons.
Hunnicutt back from Seoul yet?
No, he just left about an hour ago. He's probably just getting to the barber shop now.
With his feet, the shoeshine alone could take until tomorrow.
Nuts. I knew I shouldn't have let him go.
But he was so het up on getting that deluxe treatment...
- I just didn't have the heart to say no. - What's up?
Just got word from "l" Corps. Battalion Aid needs a surgeon on the double.
And as I recall, it's Hunnicutt's turn.
It certainly isn't mine. I made that miserable sojourn last time.
Three days and two nights nestled in the bosom of Pork Chop Hill.
These are hard times. You nestle anywhere you can.
- Well, seems you just drew the short straw, Pierce. - Oh, come on.
- Can't wait for Hunnicutt on this one. - Damn!
Ah!
- Well, at least the day's not a total loss. - Yes, it is.
- Checkmate. - [Screams]
- [Charles] Eat that. That's roughage. - [Chattering]
- Wow! Lookee here! Is this a beautiful person! - [Chattering]
Phew! Smell the cologne. You better stay away from open flames.
- [Laughing] - When the armistice was signed in '18, I was in Gay Paree.
I celebrated in an all-night business establishment...
- that smelled a little classier than you do! - It's only aftershave.
It's clashing with my liver and onions.
- Personally, I'm pulling for the liver and onions. - [Chuckles]
You're all just jealous 'cause I'm the only little petunia in the onion patch.
Wait a minute. You got a manicure!
I hope you manage to stay beautiful till Pierce gets back to see you.
- Back from where? - Battalion Aid was short a surgeon.
- I had to send him in your place. - Hawkeye had to go to the front because I was getting a haircut?
- Well, you might have broken a nail. - Knock it off, Charles.
- [Artillery Firing] - I'm gonna give you something for that pain, son.
Thanks, Doc. [Groans]
[Doctor] Boy, I hope you're a doctor.
Well, it's just a hobby. My real profession is raising orchids.
- Hawkeye Pierce, 4077. - Bob Rackley.
- He's all yours. - Right.
[Shell Whistling, Exploding]
- I guess you've been hearing a lot of that, huh? - Shelling?
Oh, it's got to be a lot closer than that for me to notice.
- Pressure bandages, sir. - Yeah, good.
- How long you been working alone? - Since last night.
- Where's your other surgeon? - He was killed.
- [Shell Exploding] - Oh, God. What happened?
Mortar.
Right out there where you parked your jeep.
[Man On P.A.] Attention all personnel. The express has arrived from Battalion Aid.
Grab a knife and save a life.
[Klinger] Here's your first customer, Doc.
One thing about MacArthur. He makes the blood run on time.
- You're gonna be okay, pal. - [G.I.] Thanks, Doc.
- Not much fun up there, huh? - Real bad. I even heard a doctor bought it.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute. What? - A doctor. Battalion Aid.
- Which one? - I don't know. I never even saw him.
- Did you catch a name? Anything? - Nope.
- Klinger, get on the... - I'll call Battalion Aid.
- Klinger, over here! - As soon as I can, sir.
- [Distant Shellfire] - Okay. Let's go.
Go fast, but don't bump him. Be careful.
- Is this the last one for the 4077? - Yeah, for now.
But drive carefully. His chart says no potholes.
- [Sighs] - [Shell Whines, Explodes]
When's the last time you got some sleep?
What's that?
If you want to go sack out for a while, I'll watch things out here.
- Come on. - Thanks.
[Sighs]
[Large Explosion]
[Rackley Coughs]
[Large Explosion]
[Thinking] I, Benjamin Franklin Pierce...
being of sound mind and endangered body...
hereby decree this to be my last will and testament.
I bequeath to my father all my worldly possessions...
with the exception of the following:
To B. J. Hunnicutt, my best friend...
[Shelling Continues]
[Thinking] B. J. [Sighs]
B. J.
To Charles Emerson Winchester III...
during the dark days of war, made himself available...
- [Laughing] - Then the third cowboy looks at the orangutan...
sitting next to him, turns to the bartender...
and says, "Give me what he had."
[All But Charles Laughing]
- Pretty funny, huh, Winchester? - Charles!
[Groaning] Yeah?
- [Laughing] - That high-priced cognac sure put your lights out.
[With Slurred Speech] On the contrary. They never even dimmed.
Then how do you explain your head back, your tongue out...
- and your eyes on separate circuits? - They...
I was merely lying back, contemplating...
what Michelangelo would have done with the ceiling in this place.
Come on, Major. You had checked out with no forwarding address.
Rubbish. A Winchester never loses consciousness.
If you will excuse me, gentlemen. [Grunting]
Ooh, ooh. I guess he sure told us.
Ha, ha.
[Potter] Sure, he was awake the whole time.
[Hawkeye Continues] You've been the victim of a ceaseless stream of dumb jokes.
Though we may have wounded your pride...
you've never lost your dignity.
I therefore bequeath to you the most dignified thing I own.
My bathrobe. Purple is the color of royalty.
They got our phones!
- Where the hell is Klinger? - Keep your lid on, Hunnicutt.
How long could it take to make one lousy phone call?
Klinger's got his hands full with this S.R.O. Crowd of casualties. Suction.
There's nothing to be gained by expecting the worst.
Bad news. The phones are out at Battalion Aid. There's no way to reach him.
- Damn. - Sorry, sir.
- What's going on up there? - I did get through to "l" Corps.
- They say there's pretty heavy shelling in that sector. - Wonderful.
- Yeah. - Oh, B. J., there's no reason to assume that...
- the dead surgeon is Hawkeye. - No reason to assume that it isn't.
You've got to stop tearing your hair out about this. Nobody plans his own destiny.
The best thing we can do is hit what's pitched. Clamp.
[Shell Exploding]
[Thinking] To Father Francis Mulcahy, I leave five cents.
- What's going on here, Father? - For some reason, they don't seem to be serving.
This food is bad enough without having to wait for it.
- [Chattering] - Hold my place back there.
- Please don't start on me, Captain. - I know.
You're waiting for your souffle to rise.
As a matter of fact, you're not far off. Our cook can't get near the oven.
General Kratzer's personal chef is using it for his Baked Alaska.
- [Crowd] Baked Alaska? - Hey, wait. I have two questions.
Who is General Kratzer? And what size ladle does he wear?
General Kratzer's here to visit some of his wounded. He brought along his own cook.
On the way over here, he bagged a pheasant, and now he's in the V.I.P. Tent dining on it.
This guy is eating pheasant and Baked Alaska...
while his men are in Post-Op dining on I.V. Solution?
- [Clamoring] - [Clattering]
Every gourmet knows one should always clear one's palate between courses.
[Clamoring In Agreement]
- Hawkeye, now don't do anything rash! - Leave me alone, Father.
- If I think about this, I'm liable not to do it. - Hawkeye, don't!
- [Mulcahy Grunts] - Father, what the hell's the matter with you?
[Grunting]
[Mess Tent Crowd Continues Clamoring]
Listen, Hawkeye, you let me handle this...
or I swear... I swear, I'll flatten you!
- What's going on out there? - General, I'm Father Francis Mulcahy.
My apologies for disturbing your meal.
A rather unruly malcontent was hell-bent on creating a ruckus...
and I was forced to fight fire with fire.
Well, keep it down. I'm trying to eat in peace.
Oh, certainly, sir. Of course, I understand perfectly.
Far be it from me to disturb such an elegant repast.
- Clumsy fool! - Oh, I'm terribly sorry, General.
- Here, let me help clean this up for you. - Get away from me!
If you weren't a priest, your life wouldn't be worth a plugged nickel!
- [Chuckles] - [Shell Exploding]
[Hawkeye] You're a man of God, and I know worldly possessions...
mean little to you, Father.
So I leave you a nickel, along with something I value more highly than anything I own:
My everlasting respect.
Let's see, B. J. B. J.
[Sighs, Chuckles]
To Margaret Houlihan.
Tetracycline.
- Tetracycline, tetracycline... - Will you hurry?
I'm sorry, Major, I don't read well through my eyelids.
I'm tired too, Captain. The sooner we can get this done, the sooner we can go to sleep.
[Sighs] Tetracycline! Wh... Oh, here it is. Yeah.
- Yeah, you better, you better order a case. - One case.
- Sulfa. [Clears Throat] - Sulfa.
Sulfa...
Where's the stupid sulfa?
- It's in the living room. - What?
The sulfa's in the living room between the end tables.
- Margaret, you made a joke. - I told you, I was tired.
[Laughing] The sulfa's in the living room!
I can't believe you said that. [Laughs]
[Giggling] The sulfa's in the... Okay, sulfa.
Here, here, we, we got plenty.
- Sulfa so good. - [Laughs Hysterically]
[Both Laughing]
- Morphine. - No thanks, I've got plenty.
[Laughing]
- I'm sorry! - Oh, no, I love it, I love it.
Somebody's been playing with your "silly" hormones.
- Oh, come on, we've got to get this done. - All right. All right.
- Okay, okay. Dig... Digitalis? - No, I'm keeping it a secret.
[Laughing Uncontrollably]
- [Wheezing] - Oh, stop.
- Nitrous. - "Good nitrous, sweet prince."
- Uh, excuse me. - What is it, Lieutenant?
I have to replace the O.R. Supplies before morning.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go to it.
Okay, Captain, how's the nitrous holding out?
[Hawkeye, Thinking] To you, Margaret, I leave my treasured Groucho nose and glasses.
Maybe they'll remind you ofhow much I enjoyed that silly side you show all too infrequently.
This man's in bad shape. Bullet in the chest.
- There's no pulse. - Where's the adrenaline?
- On the table. - He had a pulse just a minute ago.
- You get anything? - Not yet.
- Now? - Nothing.
I don't get a femoral pulse either. Ventilate him.
Give me a scalpel.
- Here you go. - I'm gonna cut open his chest.
- Massage his heart. - [Ventilator Hissing]
I'll get the ribs apart.
- Okay. Get 'em apart. - There you go.
- More, a little more. More. I can't get in. - [Grunting]
- More, give me more. - Okay! Okay.
- Check the pulse. - No, forget it. Forget it.
- He was hit right in the heart. - [Sighs]
Never had a chance.
[Artillery Continues]
[Hawkeye Continues] To Sherman Potter...
[Sighs Deeply]
These O.R. Sessions run pretty long, don't they, Pierce?
- Uh-huh. - I was transferred here seven days ago.
Seems like I've been operating for eight.
And this has been an easy week.
[Groans] I've about had it.
Well, for a man who's had it...
you sure do a bang-up job.
- You're from Maine, right, Pierce? - Right.
Do much fishing?
Yeah, but not for a long time.
I'm a fisherman.
Now that I think of it...
standing around hip deep in a freezing river till my legs got numb...
might have been the best training I could have had...
for standing at these O.R. Tables. [Chuckles]
I guess, uh, being from Maine...
you went after deep-sea stuff.
Well, I got a bluefin once, but it took me over an hour to land him.
I wouldn't mind spending an hour like that.
Mostly my dad and I fish for salmon in the Saint Croix River.
Not many of those sockeyes make it to Missouri.
- What's the biggest one you ever tied into? - Thirty-pounder.
- Thirty... - Yeah. One of them.
When I saw the lines stripping, I thought it was...
I thought it was just the current, you know?
Then he jumped, and I couldn't believe my eyes.
- It was the... He was a horse! - [Chuckles]
And then he took off.
I couldn't reel him in, 'cause l-I you know, I was afraid...
he'd break this lousy 10-pound line I had, you know...
so I had to go after him.
I was, I was jumping over logs and rocks...
and dodging branches... and all the while...
trying to keep the tension on the line... now, wha...
The sound of a waterfall kept getting louder and louder.
And sure enough, about three turned ankles later, there we were...
at the, at the top of this falls, you know?
And it was his big chance.
But all the fight was out of him, and I just, I just reeled him in.
I reached into his mouth to pick him up, and just then...
he thrashed his head, and he drove the hook right into my thumb.
[Chuckles] Then, he just, then he took off, you know? He was gone.
So you ended up with a fat thumb for a trophy.
Yeah, right. [Chuckles]
You know, I didn't bring any gear, but, uh...
I'll bet we could rig up something to snag whatever swims around these parts.
Might be worth a try. These rivers are probably full of North Korean fish heading south.
[Both Laughing]
[Clears Throat] Well, guess we'd better get back at it.
Right.
[Hawkeye Thinking] You not only knew what to say, but what not to say.
My dad's a lot like that.
It makes me miss him a little less, knowing that you're around.
My father called me Hawkeye after the character in The Last of the Mohicans.
It's his favorite book. I'd like you to have the copy he gave me.
- [B.J. Laughing, Cheering] - Watch the racket, Hunnicutt.
This hospital's in a hospital zone.
Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at Battalion Aid.
- [Margaret] What? - How do you know that?
- He left his fingerprints all over this guy. - What are you talking about?
Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
- [Cheering] That's gotta be him! - Attaway, Pierce!
Okay, he's ready. Go ahead.
[Sighs] Well, listen to that.
- They're finally shooting their heavy silence at us. - [Chuckles]
- Let's hope it lasts for a while. - [Sighs]
[Thinking] To Maxwell Q. Klinger.
- Any mail for me? - No, sir.
But if you need something to read, I got a magazine here.
Oh, Life. Yeah, okay. Thanks.
There's some stuff in there about Maine.
Stuff?
I can't believe this! Look at these pictures.
Oh, I almost forgot how beautiful it is.
Look at this! Look at this! I know this place. Muscongus Bay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look.
Nice.
This is more than nice. This is home!
- How can I thank you for this? - What's to thank?
- Somebody just left it here. - Oh, this is great.
I gotta show B. J. You really made my day. Maybe my year!
- How you doin', Captain? - [Chuckles]
That looks like a meal fit for a king and his court.
- Genuine Lebanese salami. - Where'd you get your hands on something like that?
Your dumb company clerk. Can you imagine a guy trading this for some old Life magazine?
And you may be one of the all-time scroungers, but when it comes right down to it...
you'll give a friend the shirt off your back.
So the least I can do is give you the shirt off mine.
And not just any old shirt, but my beloved Hawaiian shirt.
I hope you'll wear it, even if someday it does go out of style.
Okay. [Sighs]
Good news for you, Captain. That was "l" Corps that just called.
The new surgeon's on his way.
We'll be okay till he gets here. Why don't you head on back?
Right. Thanks.
Well, Pierce, it was fun while it lasted.
Yeah. I was just getting used to having the ceiling under my feet.
[Chuckles]
- Did you finish your will? - All except for my best friend.
How did you know it was my will?
I've seen a lot of those written here.
[Sighs]
Hey. When I wake up, remind me to give you a kiss.
Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
[Thinking] Corporal Stanley T. Young.
Sergeant Robert M. Zelnick.
To Erin Hunnicutt.
I leave you a list of all the young men your daddy took care of...
while he was in Korea.
Many of them have him to thank for being alive today.
I want you to understand why he had to be away during those first years of your life.
- [Pencil Scratching] - I hope I have the chance to give you this in person.
But around here, you never know.
This concludes my last will and testament.
Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
- Captain, you really are alive. - Nah, it's just a vicious rumor.
- What are you doing? - Um, catching up on some overdue paperwork.
Get some sleep. There's one thing I learned about being company clerk.
There's no paperwork that can't wait until tomorrow.
I used to think that too.
- You sure take a long time to move. - It's my Panmunjom strategy.
- Whatever. I'm sure glad you're back. - Will you be quiet?
- I'm trying to concentrate. - Hey, for a while I thought you'd been killed.
- Are you trying to make me lose this game? - You deserve to lose.
You spoiled all my fun. Haircut, shave, manicure, massage.
- I couldn't enjoy any of it. - I'm going to kill you if you don't stop!
Okay, okay, okay. Geez!
[Laughing] Charles! You smell like a hand-painted tie looks.
[Chuckles] The feeble jibes of a jealous man.
Good heavens. You haven't made a move since I left.
All right, all right, all right. There.
- Ah. Checkmate. - [Screams]